Different In The Morning
by Gmariam
Summary: Seventh year is almost over, and after indulging in the kitchen a bit too much, James inadvertently reveals his deepest fears for the future. Lily realizes he is not quite who she thought he was, and admits to something she had never really considered.
1. Part One The Night Before

Part One—The Night Before 

Lily was fuming.

She was supposed to meet James to go over prefect assignments for the train ride back to London in less than a month. He had managed to put it off for a week, but she had finally threatened to slip him a Babbling Beverage if he didn't sit with her and go over the duty roster that night.

He hadn't shown up.

Nor could she find any of his friends. After checking a few of their usual haunts, including the boys' dormitory, she finally cast a Location Charm for the absent Head Boy and followed the tiny bubble of light down to the kitchens.

He was sitting at a wooden trestle table and staring vacantly into the fire. A single house elf swept the hearth, occasionally glancing nervously at James. He was slumped over and bleary-eyed, and a bottle of half-empty Firewhisky stood in front of him.

Lily sighed: he was clearly drunk, and in the castle kitchen, no less.

She wondered why he would be drinking alone in the kitchen on a Friday night. Normally he would have at least kept it to Gryffindor with his friends. Then again, he had shown remarkable restraint the majority of the year when it came to his Head Boy responsibilities and reputation, so she was somewhat surprised that he would do something so uncharacteristic so close to the end of the term.

Her annoyance at his absence was greater, however, so she snuck up behind him and shouted, "Potter!" in his ear. She was rewarded when he jumped out of his chair and knocked over the bottle of Firewhisky. He swore and tried to right it, liquor flowing over the table.

"Hey, Evans," he said, throwing himself back down into the chair with the loose limbs of someone who had already had quite a bit to drink. He didn't even yell at her for startling him, whereas she would have normally expected a sharp retort. "Care to join me?"

"Not really," she said, eyebrows raised disapprovingly. "We were supposed to go over the duty rosters an hour ago. Last one, you know."

He smacked his forehead and winced. "Sorry. I forgot."

"Obviously." Lily crossed her arms over her chest and gave him a rather disapproving look. He, in turn, rolled his eyes at her and took another drink; a small puff of smoke drifted from his ears.

"Knock it off, Evans. You're not my mother."

"You shouldn't be doing that here," she pointed out. "It's not exactly private. You could get caught."

"If I didn't want to get caught, I'd sneak into Hogsmeade," he replied, waving his hand toward the general direction of the village.

"Then why are you down here?" she asked.

"I wanted to be alone," he mumbled, staring into the fire again. Lily was puzzled. He might be completely pissed, but he was also acting far too sullen. In fact, she could not recall having ever seen him this way. Angry, upset, annoyed, but not…depressed. Something seemed to be bothering him.

"Why?" she asked. "Where are the others?"

James rubbed his cheeks as if willing himself to talk through numb lips. "Sirius had to go to a funeral, so he Flooed back to London after dinner. Remus is in the hospital wing. And Peter is actually studying—with Susan Pritchard, no less."

Lily gasped; all three revelations were surprising. "A funeral? The hospital wing? What happened?"

"Sirius's uncle died. Apparently he was also blasted off the family tree, so Sirius was keen on going to pay his respects to a fellow black sheep." James shrugged. "And Remus…well, he just had a hard night." He absently scratched a stubbled cheek, and Lily frowned as she noticed a large cut running the length of his arm. Remus was often in the hospital wing, and it was obvious James knew why; she suspected the cut had something to do with it. She decided not to press him, however, because she sensed that wasn't what was bothering him.

"So why are you down here with a bottle of Old Ogden's, then?" she asked. She sat down across from him, sniffed at it, and made a face; even the smell of it was vile.

"Feels a bit more like home, sitting by the kitchen fire," he said. "Good place for thinking."

"About what?" she pressed. For some reason, she wanted him to talk to her. Her earlier anger was replaced by an honest concern for whatever had driven him to do something that was so irresponsible, even for him.

"Loads," he answered. "N.E.W.T.s are next week, you know." When she nodded, he continued. "I shouldn't be worried, but I am. I know you think I don't care much about school, but I do." He gave her a pointed look, and she had to glance away, slightly embarrassed that he was so clearly aware of her opinion of him.

"You'll be fine," she reassured him. She believed it, even if his skeptical expression clearly told her that he did not. "You're top of the class in Transfiguration, aren't you? You can do things half the class can't do."

He shrugged again and took another drink from the bottle. "Fat lot of good that will do me," he muttered. She didn't understand, but continued as best as she could.

"Everyone is worried about N.E.W.T.s. You should see the Ravenclaws, they're going batty in the library. You'll do fine."

"It's affecting my game," he said, shaking his head. "We almost lost to Hufflepuff last month. I couldn't score worth a damn, and it was my last game. My _last_ game."

She remembered the match; he _had_ seemed off. He sounded sad that his Quidditch career had ended on a low note and reached for the Firewhisky again. Before he could take another pull, Lily took out her wand and flicked it under the table. He put the bottle to his lips only to find it was now water. Spitting it out, he swore again.

"What did you do that for?" he demanded.

"You've had enough," she said. She motioned to the house elf, who was now snapping his fingers at the last dishes from dinner. "Can we have some bread and cheese?" she asked politely. The elf nodded and hurried away, quickly returning with a plate of food for them. James made a face, but began gobbling it down as if he hadn't eaten anything all day.

"So that's why you're down here? Stress?"

James stopped and gave her a venomous look. "I can handle _stress, _Evans_._"

"Then what is it?" she pressed again. He rolled his eyes before answering her.

"I got into it with Snape and his gang again today, stupid prick."

Lily frowned again. "So? There's nothing unusual about that, either."

"It's getting worse," he said, his hands flailing in the air. "And as soon as we're done at Hogwarts, we're going to be fighting those guys for real." He must have seen the surprised look on her face. "Well, I will, anyway. I know he was your friend, once."

"He chose his path years ago," she murmured, once more feeling a faint twist of sadness that someone she had once been so close to could turn to such dark things.

"Exactly!" James exclaimed, waving a piece of cheese at her. "He chose Dark magic. He's probably got the Dark Mark already, him and the lot of Slytherin house."

She knew that Snape's group of Slytherins were well on their way to becoming Death Eaters, yet there was nothing to be done about it, and she didn't see why it was bothering James any more than usual. "They probably do," she agreed. "But you've fought with them before, and it hasn't driven you down here to drown in a bottle of Firewhisky. What's wrong?"

"Why do you care?" he asked, his voice dull and colorless.

"Because…" she trailed off, trying to articulate her answer. She didn't want to say anything that would ruffle him at the moment. Really, she would have cared no matter who was sitting across from her nursing a bottle of strong liquor. That it was James, and that he was acting so out of character from his usual steady self was somewhat alarming, and she wanted to help him. This brooding man in front of her alarmed her. She much preferred the James Potter she thought she knew: strong, confident, fun-loving. She was surprised at how much she wanted to talk to that person instead.

"Because something is obviously wrong, and I want to help," she finally finished softly, hoping he would not read anything into her statement. "Think of it as my job as Head Girl if you have to. James, did something else happen?"

"I'm just sick of all this," he mumbled again. "Of work, of studying, of Snape, of Hogwarts."

Lily gave him a piercing look. "No, there's more. What's _really _wrong?"

James was quiet for a long time. "My parents were attacked this morning."

"What?" she gasped. "What happened? Are they okay?"

"They're fine," he said, grabbing another hunk of bread and tearing it into pieces. "My mom is still in St. Mungo's, but my dad was released. They weren't targeted personally, which is a miracle in itself given how many times they have refused to support Voldemort's cause. They were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Some Death Eaters attacked The Flying Dutchman, a restaurant in London my parents frequent, and they were hurt with about a dozen other witches and wizards just eating breakfast."

"I'm glad they're okay," she said, trying to imagine what it would feel like if she were to ever receive news like that. She was beginning to understand why he had come downstairs to blow off some steam with a bottle of Firewhisky. He seemed surrounded by anxiety, aggression, and even death.

"Unfortunately," he continued, "several others were not. Some old family friends, Andrew and Viola McDougal, were killed. They were like my second family. I spent summers at their estate up north. And now they're gone. Just like that."

Lily took his hand and squeezed it. "I'm so sorry."

He looked at their hands in bleary-eyed surprise. "Why? It was bound to happen sometime. Look at what's going on out there. Hell, it's even happening here at Hogwarts. We can't escape it anymore."

She knew he was right: the war outside Hogwarts might not have reached the castle quite yet, but every day it seemed a bit closer. Friends lost loved ones, and small fights broke out in the corridors. There was a tension that had nothing to do with classes or exams that hung over the students and darkened their last weeks of school.

Suddenly he flung his arm across the table, sending the bottle of Firewhisky to the floor. "And you know what really gets me? Snape and his cronies _knew_. They knew about the attack, they knew what had happened to my folks, and they got in my face about it just to rub it in. Technically, I should be in detention right now for some very irresponsible dueling in the corridor."

And then she understood: it was all just too much. N.E.W.T.s, Quidditch, Head Boy duty, Snape, his parents, the war, detention—how much could an eighteen-year-old handle? There were certainly days when she felt completely overwhelmed, and she didn't have half of what he had to deal with at the moment. She sympathized with him, and felt her heart going out to him in a way that it never had before.

"Come on," she said, pulling him up. "Let's go for a walk."

He grabbed one last hunk of bread and followed her without protest. She thanked the house elf as she led James toward the door. She stopped at the exit, however, and studied him closely.

"What's wrong? Are we done walking?" James asked. He was extremely unsteady on his feet.

"No, I just don't want to run into any professors," she said, frowning. "Not in your state. I guess I could use a Disillusionment Charm, although I've never tried it on anyone else."

"Nah," he said. "Just use this." He pulled a piece of parchment from his pocket and handed it to her with a small hiccup. "It'll tell you if anyone is near."

She looked down to see a map of the castle. Tiny black dots moved around the parchment, each labeled with a name. She saw her name next to James in the kitchen. Glancing up in surprise, she asked, "Where did you get this? It's amazing."

He shrugged as he headed out the door, staggering slightly and apparently trusting her to keep watch with the strange map. "Made it," he replied. She hurried to catch up with him.

"You _made_ this? Yourself?" It was truly an impressive bit of magic.

"Nah, had loads of help from the others. It was Sirius's idea, and Remus came up with half the charms we used."

She whistled under her breath as she glanced around the map. She saw her friends in Gryffindor, Remus in the hospital wing, and Peter next to Susan Pritchard in the library. She did not see any professors nearby, and walked silently next to James as they headed toward the Entrance Hall and out onto the grounds, keeping a close eye on the map. If he occasionally bumped into her, she pretended not to notice.

They headed toward the black lake, finally coming to a stop under an old beech tree near the water. James stared morosely toward the forest. "I was just out here last night. Last time, too." Again he rubbed idly at his arm.

"Last time for what?" Lily asked, curious. She had often wondered where he got to on those nights when she covered for him, but had never managed to pull it out of him. She'd feel bad if he spilled the secret now, since he would probably regret it in the morning, but she did want to know. Unfortunately, he seemed to be clear on the issue.

"For a run," he replied, his tone clearly closing the topic. "Last one, too. Time to go. Time to leave school. Time to _grow up._"

Lily looked at him in surprise. "You don't want to leave," she said, starting to understand his mood a bit more.

"Not really," he mumbled. "Do you?"

"Well, yes," she answered honestly. "We're of age. We've finished our studies. It's time to move on."

"Move on to what?" he asked, hazel eyes peering at her through his glasses.

"The rest of our lives, I guess," Lily replied. She had not really thought about it much; she was just excited to be done with school.

"I happen to like this one," he muttered.

"But you can't live it forever—running around with your friends, staying out all night, sneaking into Hogsmeade."

"Why not?" She gave him an exasperated look, but he grabbed her arms, his face intent. "I'm serious, Lily! Why would we want to leave here?"

"You just said you were sick of this place," she reminded him.

He threw up his hands and began pacing. "Oh, but exams and games and detentions are nothing compared to what's happening out there. There's a war going on. People are getting hurt and dying. Do you really want to head out on your own into _that_?"

Lily was stunned at his dismal ferocity. Why was he so hopeless? What was he so afraid of?

"Yes," she replied, putting as much strength and resolve as she could into her voice. "Yes, I do. I want the chance to prove myself. To live my own life. To make a difference."

"By getting killed?" She looked at him in shock. He sighed as he took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "You're a Muggle-born, Evans. They will certainly come after you at some point."

"Then I'll fight," she snapped. "What the hell is wrong with you, Potter? This isn't like you, this fatalistic whining. You're not that kind of man."

"How would you know?" he retorted, putting his glasses back on. "You don't know me at all."

"I've spent seven years with you," Lily replied as steadily as she could. "Including an awful lot of time this year. I know you're not a coward."

He narrowed his eyes at her, and for a fleeing moment Lily was worried she was going to see the full force of his anger directed at her. Yet, as quickly as it flashed behind his eyes, it was gone, and he passed a hand over his face and ran it through his hair in the annoying way he had.

"Then you don't know the real me," he said softly. "Because I'm afraid of a lot of things." He turned and walked away.

Lily stood there and watched him go. She didn't know whether to go after him or leave him in a snit. Nothing she said seemed to make a difference. Deciding it was probably unwise to let him wander the grounds alone after so much Firewhisky, she finally ran after him.

"I'm afraid of spiders," she said quietly, coming up next to him. He narrowed his eyes at her.

"I'll remember that next time I have the opportunity to hide something in your Charms book," he replied dryly. She smiled as she remembered the frogspawn that had fallen out of her book during third year.

"I'm also afraid of heights," she continued. "That's why I dropped Astronomy: I couldn't stand the tower."

"No wonder you don't like Quidditch," he said. He didn't look at her, just kept walking around the lake.

"And…" she hesitated, because she had never really admitted it out loud, "I'm afraid of getting close to people. I don't want to lose them, like I lost…my sister." _Or Severus_, she kept to herself. It was true, but she had never told anyone. She had no idea why she had just confided it to James Potter.

He finally stopped and studied her carefully. "Is that why you've never gone out with me?" he asked directly.

"What?" she said, surprised at the turn her confession had taken. She might have expected James to ask her about Petunia, but not about her reasons for not dating him. "I don't know. Maybe. Or maybe because you've always been a…a…" She trailed off as he snorted and returned to circling the lake.

"A big-headed prat? A conceited git? An arrogant toerag?" He threw the last over his shoulder at her with surprising vehemence. She was once more surprised at his reaction.

"Well, yes, if you must know," she replied as she caught up with him. "You were. Admit it."

He blinked at her, bleary-eyed, and shrugged. "I was. I admit it."

"Well, then." She didn't know what else to say, and they continued together in awkward silence.

"I don't like rats," James said, completely out of the blue. "Which is ironic, since one of my best friends…" He stopped, hand to his mouth. Lily thought he might vomit.

"Is a rat?" she asked with a smile, trying to lighten the mood. To her surprise, he actually nodded.

"Crazy, huh?" he laughed. "Ah well, he's a good enough sort of rat."

She had no idea what he was talking about as he continued toward a short stone wall that lined one end of the lake.

"I'm also afraid of those Muggle contraptions, what are they? Motorcycles? But Sirius wants one after graduation. He's determined to drag me out on it, too."

Lily just nodded as he sat down on the rocks, his legs dangling over the water. She remembered Sirius talking about it several times in the common room. James looked up and motioned her join him. She sat down next to him, the cool spring breeze off the lake feeling good against her skin after the warm kitchen.

"And I'm afraid of failing," he continued. "I hate failing. You may not think so, but I work hard to do what I do, and when I can't do something, it really bothers me." He turned to look at her. "So now you know me a little bit more. See, I _am_ a coward."

"How do you figure that?" Lily asked skeptically. "I told you my fears to prove that _everyone_ is afraid of something, whether it's something as small as a spider or something even bigger. It doesn't make you a coward."

"I'm scared of leaving school," he said baldly. "How about that? Is that cowardly enough for you? It's not just that I want to stay—I'm afraid to leave."

"May I once again point out how you were just complaining about N.E.W.T.s, Quidditch, and various Slytherins?" she replied, hoping to get him to see how he was contradicting himself once more.

He gazed out at the water. "You may. And I will once again point out that even I know how minor and insignificant those things really are in the end."

"So tell me why you are afraid to leave Hogwarts," she said. "Then I'll tell you if you're a coward or not."

He leaned back on his arms, blowing his breath out as he gazed up at the dark sky. "I may be sick of things right now, but isn't it better to fight Snape here and get a detention—or two if you skip it—than to fight him in some dark alley and end up injured or killed?

Lily shook her head in amazement. For some reason, she just assumed things that like would not touch her life outside Hogwarts. It was someone else's battle to fight, not hers. She certainly could not see herself fighting Severus. "You can't stay here forever, just to avoid something that might not even happen."

"Oh, it'll happen," he replied darkly. He was silent after that, just staring out across the lake as he slumped over, elbows on his knees, chin in his hands.

"You're really worried about the future, aren't you?" she asked, studying his face. He looked young and uncertain at that moment, and she wanted to find a way to reassure him that it wasn't as bleak as he seemed to think it was.

"Of course I am!" he exclaimed, sitting up straight. "It's like I already said: things are bad out there, Lily. I know that everything is going to change, but with the way things are now, they are not going to change for the better. Why would we want to willingly walk into that?" He sounded so serious, she had no answer for him other than what she had already given. And he was so convincing that she found herself starting to doubt her own feelings about leaving Hogwarts.

"What else are you worried about?" she asked, just to keep him talking, to see if he could articulate everything that was troubling him and come to some sort of resolution.

"Well, for one, there are my parents." He looked down at his hands, obviously not wanting to meet her eyes. "They're getting on in years and won't be around forever. My mum's been sick, and what happened today will probably set her back a bit more."

"Go on," she said softly.

"Then there are my friends. What's Sirius going to do on his own? He's got no family except us. And what's Remus going to do for a job? No one wants to hire a…" he stopped. "…a guy like him. And Peter." James shook his head. "I really worry about Peter, poor guy. Someone is going to take advantage of him without us to look out for him."

"Why, James Potter, you're not an insensitive lout after all," Lily said, feigning surprise.

He rolled his eyes at her. "My friends are important to me, Lily, even if you think all we do is mess around. And what about you? What are you going to do after Hogwarts?"

She gazed out across the lake, thinking about it. She'd do what most everyone did: get a job, move out on her own, live an adult life. Yet the war cast a shadow on her plan, and now she wondered if things would turn out the way she expected.

"I'm hoping to find a job, preferably in the Ministry. I've thought about going for advanced training in Charms work at St. Mungo's." She stopped and gave him a small smile. "I'd like to rent my own flat, find someone, get married someday." She stopped short of telling him how many children she wanted, already embarrassed with how much she had shared.

"Get married?" he asked.

"You've never thought about it?" she countered.

"Well, sure." He shrugged. "I just never thought it would actually happen."

Lily couldn't help it: she giggled, but then felt bad when he huffed at her. "No, I'm sorry!" she exclaimed, laying a hand on his arm. "I'm not laughing at you. I just find it amusing that you think it won't happen."

"And why is that so amusing?" he asked, sounding rather icy. She raised her eyebrows at his defensive attitude.

"Because I know you'll find someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with you," she said simply. "She'd be a lucky girl." She was surprised to find she meant it, in spite of so many years spent rejecting his constant declarations of affection. It was hard to reconcile the immature teenager who had bombarded her with invitations to Hogsmeade during fifth year with the young man sitting next to her, so serious about his future.

"What if I already did?" he asked, ignoring the compliment and watching her closely.

She sputtered, shocked at the implication and irrationally disappointed. "You're engaged?"

"Merlin, no!" he exclaimed. "I just meant…oh, never mind. You wouldn't understand."

"Try me," she said, smiling again to encourage him. He seemed to think about it, then took a deep breath and plunged on.

"What if I already found the girl I want to be with? And what if she hardly knows I exist?" he asked.

"Potter, every girl in school knows you exist. You never let them forget it."

"Not all of them," he murmured. "What if I never see her again after we leave? What if something happens to her?"

Lily looked away, feeling uncomfortable. She had a strange feeling that she knew who he might be talking about, but she did not want to go there, not now, not when she was suddenly questioning everything she had once thought about James Potter. Instead, she teased him some more. "Oh, I'm sure you'll see her. What use is your charm and wit if it's only good at Hogwarts?"

He grimaced. "Can I ask you something, Lily? Why do you keep saying things about me that I don't do anymore? Did you happen to notice that I was Head Boy this year? And that I was a pretty decent Head Boy—at least, until tonight?"

Lily felt herself flush with embarrassment. She had noticed, and yet she had continued to treat him the same as ever, constantly reminding him of his imperfections even though he had worked hard all year. She felt guilty for treating him so poorly when he was obviously aware of it, and more importantly, he was obviously bothered.

"Yes, I noticed," she said softly. "I'm sorry."

He didn't say anything, just glanced back out over the water. They were silent for a long time, and Lily felt terrible for insulting him when she was only trying to help.

"Do you think you'll see your friends after Hogwarts?" James finally asked.

She nodded. "Sure, why wouldn't I?"

"Do you think you'll ever see me again?" he continued.

Lily was quiet for a moment. "I don't know," she answered honestly. "I never really thought about it."

James sighed. To her surprise, he pulled off his shoes, laid his robes down on top of them, took off his glasses, and jumped off the wall into the lake, plummeting into the black water like a stone to the bottom of a pond.

"James!" she shouted, peering into the inky darkness. He didn't come up for a long time, and when he did, it was far out in the lake. She could barely see the moonlight reflecting from his eyes.

"What are you doing?" she called, worried. It was dark, it was getting cooler, and it was quite likely the giant squid did not enjoy being disturbed while he was sleeping.

"Trying to get sober!" he yelled back. He dove under and kicked his way back to the wall. "Care to join me?"

"Absolutely not," Lily said. "And you shouldn't be in there yourself, you'll catch cold."

He pushed away, floating on his back with his arms behind his head. "Do you really think we'll never see each other after Hogwarts?" he asked again.

"I don't know," she said, feeling wretched for repeating herself instead of giving him the answer he clearly wanted to hear. "I suppose we'll run into each now and again. What are you going to do when you leave?"

James blew bubbles in the water before answering. "Actually, I imagine I'll fight."

"What?" she asked, confused. "Fight in the war?"

"Yes, the war, Evans," he replied. "We've only been talking about it all night. Someone has to try to stop that crazy nutter from taking over the wizarding world."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why?"

"You were just going on about how dangerous it was out there!" she said. He was a jumble of contradictions that night, and she didn't know if it was the liquor or not at that point. "Why would you go and fight after saying all that?"

"It is dangerous," he said, pulling himself back up on the wall. He shook the water from his hair, spraying her. "That's why I have to do something. I don't want my parents to get hurt. I don't want my friends to get killed. And I don't want anything to happen to you, even if I never see you again."

"You're a real enigma, you know that, don't you?"

He put on his glasses and blinked owlishly at her. "I suppose."

He stood and put out his hand to help her up. "Done swimming?" she asked, taking it and standing.

"I am," he replied. "I actually feel much better."

"You purged yourself," Lily murmured.

"I guess so. Thanks, Evans, you're—" He stopped, eyes wide. He convulsed once, and his hand flew to his mouth. This time she knew he was going to retch, and jumped back even as he turned away from her to hurl into the grass.

"Oh, James," she murmured. He fell to his knees and spewed once more, and she felt bad for him even as she laughed to herself. He was really having a difficult night.

When he was finished, she helped him up, using her wand to clean up the mess. He appeared somewhat stunned at the sudden, violent protesting of his stomach.

"I feel awful," he said. He looked positively green, and was even more unsteady on his feet than before.

"It's catching up to you," she said. "You're going to hurt in the morning. Come on, let's get back to Gryffindor." She slung his arm around her shoulder and pulled out the map with her other hand. Once again, she kept watch for professors as they made their unsteady way back to Gryffindor.

Lily had to give him credit: they stopped twice more for James to vomit into whatever corner he could find. Lily cleaned it up, just as she had outside, and dragged him back to his feet. Not once did he complain. In fact, he set his lips so stoically she almost had to remind him to breathe.

They ducked into an empty classroom once when she spotted Filch making his way toward them on the map. She murmured a spell and locked the door, only to turn around and find him with his head on a desk, still silent, though she could only imagine how terrible he must be feeling. She almost wanted to laugh again, except that he looked so pathetic, and she felt the need to take care of him.

They finally made it back to Gryffindor unseen. The Fat Lady gave them a royally disapproving look before letting them into the common room. As soon as they stepped in, the room went silent. Lily stumbled to an embarrassed stop; James raised his heavy head and frowned.

"Stop staring," he stated very clearly. "She is not feeling very well and I am merely helping her back to her dormitory."

There were sniggers around the room, and even Lily had to hide a smile at the false bravado as she guided him toward the stairs that led up to the boys' dormitory. She paused briefly at the bottom, debating whether or not to continue, yet when she looked at James, eyes half closed, she knew he'd never make it to bed without her help. She sighed and tugged him up the stairs as best as she could.

The others were still gone, and so the dormitory was thankfully empty. She guided James toward what she assumed was his bed, where he promptly fell over on his back and let out his first groan since they had left the lake.

"Are you still here, Evans?" he mumbled through his hands.

Lily laughed and sat down next to him on the bed. "Of course I am. I couldn't leave you by the lake wallowing in your own vomit."

"I would have left me there," he groaned. "I'm sorry, Evans. I can't believe that of all the people to run into, you are the one who gets to put my drunk arse to bed."

She smiled at his embarrassment. Really, it didn't phase her one bit, and that alone surprised her. Several months ago it would have probably bothered her to babysit James Potter and clean up after him, but he had just bared his soul to her, and she found herself looking at him differently. He may have been influenced by the Firewhisky, but everything he had said had made sense and come from a very real place, born of very real feelings and fears. It touched her that he had shared them with her, even if he might regret it in the morning.

"It's okay," she said softly. "Come on, let's get you undressed." She tried to help him sit, but he flopped right back down, like a child refusing to cooperate.

"I can do it myself," he protested.

"I doubt it," she laughed. "You'll just fall asleep in your clothes."

"What's wrong with that?" he asked, flinging his arm over his face. "Who made up the rule about wearing pyjamas to bed anyway?"

"Your clothes are still wet," she pointed out. "Take them off. Now."

"You know, I never thought I'd hear those words from you," he groaned, letting her help him up this time. "I hope I remember this tomorrow." He didn't open his eyes once as she began to take off his shirt.

"I never thought I'd say them." She laughed again as she pulled him off the bed and helped him unbutton his trousers. "Where are your pyjamas?" she asked. He pointed to the trunk and sat back down on the bed, naked except for a pair of pants. He put his head in his hands, elbows on his knees, and Lily was surprised to see another long scratch on his shoulders.

She was also surprised at how quickly her heart had suddenly started beating. She was in the boys' dormitory with James Potter, and he was completely undressed…and she was having some rather indecent thoughts about him, thoughts she had never really had before. But he had just revealed his deepest fears, and somehow that bit of vulnerability made him that much more attractive. She found herself wanting to take him in her arms and hold him so that his fears might settle. She even wondered what it might be like to kiss him good night.

Lily shook her head of such thoughts as she pulled his pyjamas from the trunk at the foot of his bed. He must have really felt terrible because he did not protest once as she dressed him. No snide comments or clever quips; he just placidly let her pull on his shirt and trousers, all the while staring blankly into space, as if he were both physically and emotionally exhausted.

Finally she took off his glasses and gently pushed him down toward his pillow. His eyes were closed before his head even touched the sheets, and she assumed he had either passed out or instantly fallen asleep. She brushed some stray hair from his eyes, smiling as she studied his face. He looked somewhat more at peace than he had when she had found him, but he also seemed older now, as if more than just the weight of school rested on his shoulders. Lily knew that he worried about much more than having fun and showing off, and her perception of him had been forever altered by their conversation.

"Good night, James," she whispered as she stood to leave. She was startled when his hand shot up and caught hers, holding her tight.

"Thanks for finding me," he said softly, not opening his eyes. "You really helped me think things through."

She squeezed his hand before letting go and walking toward the doorway. "You're welcome. I'm glad I could." She was about to leave when he spoke once more.

"Lily."

"Yes?"

He opened his eyes, and Lily was slightly stunned by the look of honest emotion in them at that moment. Her breath caught in her throat.

"It was you, you know that, right?" he asked, his eyes pleading with her to understand and not reject him. She nodded.

"Yes, I know," she said softly. "Get some rest, James. Things will be different in the morning."

He nodded and fell back to the pillow, eyes closed. Lily watched as his breathing settled into a slow, rhythmic cadence, indicating he had indeed fallen asleep. She sighed as she turned to leave. Things would certainly be different in the morning. She wasn't sure how, but something told her that her relationship with James Potter had just changed dramatically and would never be the same.

**Author's Note:** Thank you to Natalie/hestia jones for letting me borrow James and for reading this over. This story will conclude in Part Two-The Day After. Thank you for reading and reviewing!


	2. Part Two The Day After

Part Two – The Day After

James woke slowly, the dull pounding behind his eyelids forcing him to leave them closed just in case his head burst when he opened them. He flung an arm over his face, trying to quell the hammering, and for a moment the world was blissfully dark and quiet. Then an incessant ticking began to batter his senses. He flipped over, groaning as the simple act of movement sent waves of dizziness through him, and pulled a pillow over his head. The tapping grew louder, however, until he could stand it no more, and he chanced a squint-eyed glance from under the pillow to see what the hell it was.

A tiny owl was pecking at his window. Slapping his hand around on the nightstand next to his bed, James knocked over his glasses before he finally managed to find his wand. He flicked it at the window and let it fall to the nightstand once more. The owl flapped over and landed next to him, hooting indignantly, as if it were offended at his current state of being.

James fumbled blindly with the tiny parchment tied to the owl's leg, earning him a peck on the hand. He swore as the owl flew back through the window into the clear sky. With a sigh, he removed the pillow from his face so he could read the letter up close.

_You've missed breakfast. Care to join me in the kitchen? ~Lily_

James sat bolt upright, immediately regretting it as his head exploded into a million different colors. Throwing his feet over the side of the bed, he put his head in his hands and tried to quell the violent nausea that threatened to overwhelm him. Lily wanted to see him, and he knew he should go and apologize for everything he had put her through the previous night. He only hoped he wasn't sick all over her, or worse—blathered on about more of the nonsense he had shared at the lake.

Bending over to pick up his glasses was agony. Standing slowly to get his balance, James swallowed the bad taste in his mouth and cleaned up as quickly and as best as he could. He couldn't wash the dark circles from under his eyes, or flatten his hair, which was messier than ever after a long night tossing and turning. With a sigh, he put on his glasses and made his way toward the common room, trying not to think about his appearance for once.

He didn't need to worry: most of the students were outside enjoying the beautiful spring day. It was bright and sunny, and James couldn't help but wince as the light burned into his bleary eyes. He bit back another groan, determined to make it through the day without getting sick. He did, however, cast a Dimming Charm on his glasses so that the glare didn't hurt as much.

Peter was sitting with Remus at a nearby table, paging through some review work for Potions. He looked up when James stepped into the common room and grinned.

"Look, Moony, he's actually alive."

"And out of bed before dinner," added Remus with his own teasing smile. "How are you feeling, Prongs?"

"Like I was run over by a troll," James muttered, flopping down next to them and letting his head fall to the table with a dull thud that flashed behind his eyes. "I don't think I can go any further. I honestly don't."

"Where are you going?" asked Peter. "We didn't think you'd be up before lunch. Go sleep it off some more."

James lifted his head to give him a groggy smile. "Evans wants to see me," he told them.

"After last night?" asked Peter. "We heard what happened at breakfast, you know. It's a wonder she wants to talk to you, let alone see you."

Remus frowned with mock-seriousness. "She seemed concerned, Wormtail. Maybe she's got a weakness for drunk wizards who retch all over the castle."

James raised an eyebrow, marveling at how even the smallest facial movement hurt. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you were channeling Sirius in one of his wittier moments."

"Then I'd better stop," murmured Remus, a twinkle in his eye. "I don't want to usurp his place as the clever dick of the group."

"Usurp?" repeated James and Peter together. They laughed, although James stopped as his stomach twisted in protest. When the world settled once more, he stood, holding onto the side of the table for support.

"Are _you_ okay?" he asked Remus.

Remus shrugged. "I'm fine, thanks. Rough day yesterday, but it usually is, isn't it?"

James gave him a sympathetic look. "Glad you're up and about so soon, but I've got to go. Even if she chews me out, I need to thank her for…well, for everything she did. "

"She saved your arse," Peter pointed out.

"No thanks to any of you," muttered James, highly aware of just how much he owed Lily Evans.

"Oh, from what Lily told us," said Remus with a grin, "we are _very_ sorry we missed it. Especially the bit at the lake."

"Maybe next time," said James, even though he was planning on staying well away from Firewhisky for as long as he could. "I have to meet Lily. I'll see you later."

"Good luck!" called Peter as he left them behind, laughing. Stealing himself, James went through the portrait hole, expecting the Fat Lady to give him a hard time. To his surprise, she was too caught up in gossiping with an equally large lady from another portrait to notice him. He hurried down the corridor toward the kitchens—or, at least, he walked as quickly as he could; the stone seemed to bore into his body with every step he took.

By the time he reached the kitchens he felt sick and weak and wished he were back in his bed more than anything. He hated letting Evans see him like this—again—but figured she'd now seen him at his worst, so there was nothing to lose. He entered the kitchen, not sure what to expect.

Lily was sitting at the same table where she had found him the previous night, and she was staring into the fire in much the same way he had. There was obviously no Firewhisky as it was Saturday morning, but a plate of untouched food was in front of her, as well as a goblet of liquid that wafted purple smoke into the air. She turned when she heard him and motioned him to sit across from her, smiling as she pushed him the plate.

"Here, I had the elves save some for you," she said. Handing him the goblet, she continued. "And I brewed this myself. Try it."

"What is it?" he asked, sniffing at it reluctantly. To his surprise, it smelled fruity and sweet, and the scent immediately began to relax his tense body and calm his queasy stomach.

"A potion for hangovers," she replied with a wink. "Surely you've had one before?"

James stared incredulously at her. "If I had even known such a thing existed, I would have had much more fun every time Sirius insisted on sneaking something into the dormitory."

Lily laughed, and although James winced at the sound, he was glad to hear it, even if she was laughing was at him. He had been worried she was going to berate him instead.

"_We_ use it every time we sneak something up," she said, green eyes twinkling. He gave her the most withering look he could manage.

"Thanks for finally sharing your secret, then," he replied. He tipped back the goblet and finished it in one gulp. He braced himself for his stomach's protest, but immediately felt it settle instead. The plate of food suddenly looked appetizing, and he tore into with enthusiasm.

"Works well, doesn't it?" Lily asked, grinning. James nodded as he finished a roll and moved on to some bacon and eggs. She watched him with amusement, but did not say anything.

"Thank you," he finally said again. "And not just for the potion or the food." She raised her eyebrows at him, and he forced himself to continue in spite of his embarrassment. "Thank you for last night."

"You're welcome," she said. "You owe me, you know."

"That's exactly what Remus and Peter said," James replied.

"Smart mates. So how do you feel?" she asked as he cleaned his plate.

"Much better," he replied. At least, he felt better if he didn't think about anything too much.

"Are you…are you all right? I mean, about your parents and Snape and…everything else." She seemed concerned but uncomfortable bringing up all the things they had talked about the night before.

James leaned back in the chair with a sigh. He rubbed his face, vaguely recalling doing something similar as they had sat in much the same place. He thought about her question and finally tried to answer as simply as he could.

"I'm okay," he said. He really was: he had put to voice everything that had been bothering him, and just the act of sharing it had helped him accept things a bit more. "I had a lot on my mind yesterday. It was…overwhelming. I'm sorry you caught the brunt of it."

Lily nodded as if she understood. "That's all right, you had a lot to be overwhelmed with," she said softly. "More than enough."

"Maybe, but that's no excuse for coming down here and drinking myself stupid." James shrugged. He was surprised she hadn't rebuked him yet, so he would do it himself. "I don't know what I might have done if you hadn't come looking for me."

"Probably got caught and thrown into another detention," she replied matter-of-factly.

"Oh, I'm _sure_ I'll get another detention. I missed the one I was supposed to have last night for hexing Snape." He paused. "I could have lost my badge, so thanks."

"Maybe," said Lily, studying him closely. She narrowed her eyes at him. "Care to go for a walk?" she asked.

"Why not?" James replied. She hadn't criticized him yet, but there was still time. He helped her up with a grin. "Maybe I'll even go for another swim."

He laughed and was once again pleased when she laughed with him.

"At least we won't need your magical map to avoid any professors," she teased.

James stopped. "My map? Bollocks, do you still have it? Sirius would hex me something fierce if I lost it."

"Yes, I have it," she said, linking her arm in his and leading him from the kitchen. "But you'll have to earn it back."

James looked down at their joined arms in surprise. He didn't think anything like _that _had happened between them the previous night, yet she was acting very different toward him. The lack of a proper scolding was alarming enough, let alone the sudden friendliness. However, he rather liked having her arm on his and decided to just go with it to see how it played out.

"So how do I do that?" he asked curiously.

"Just walk with me, for one," she replied. "And tell me something—how much do you remember from last night?"

"Ah," he replied, trying to hide his embarrassment once more. "Well, I remember jumping in the lake," he offered, hoping she wasn't referring to anything he had said. He had shared quite a few things he would have rather kept to himself now that he could think clearly, and that was only what he could remember. He had only a blurred recollection of what he might have said or done after dunking himself.

"You scared me!" she exclaimed, looking sideways at him. "All of a sudden, you were just gone! I thought you'd gone and done something drastic. Is that the last you remember?"

"I remember retching all over you," he continued, cringing as the scene by the lake replayed itself.

"Actually, you missed me. Every time." She bumped his shoulder and winked.

James groaned. "You mean it happened more than once? After the first time things get a bit hazy, although I remember making it back to Gryffindor, somehow.""

They had reached the Entrance Hall. Lily shook her head and laughed as they headed out toward the lawn that surrounded the castle. The potion Lily had given him had worked wonders, and James found the spring day refreshing. He even released the Dimming Charm on his glasses.

"Actually, we stopped several times on our way back to Gryffindor," she said. She gave him a sympathetic look. "It was pretty bad. But the map helped—no one saw us, at least until you announced it to everyone in Gryffindor." He grimaced, remembering the sniggers as he had stepped into the common room.

Lily smiled. "And yes, it was all the talk at breakfast this morning. Here, let's go this way. I don't want you jumping in on me again."

They headed away from the lake toward the Whomping Willow and the forest instead. The lawn was packed with scores of students out to enjoy the beautiful day, and James found he was glad to avoid the crowd. He could only imagine the gossip going around about him after his rather spectacular entrance in the Gryffindor common room, and although he didn't usually let things like that bother him, he didn't particularly feel like dealing with it quite yet.

He was also enjoying the walk with Lily, although he wasn't sure where it was going, both literally and figuratively. She was quiet as she led him past the Whomping Willow toward a cluster of large rocks that stood on the outskirts of the forest. He wondered why she had wanted to see him, when she had said so little, and why she had brought him so far from the school. He vaguely remembered her undressing him in his dormitory and again hoped nothing inappropriate had happened; he could imagine her bringing him out there only to jinx him senseless and leave him there.

Lily finally climbed onto one of the rocks and motioned for him to join her. He did, still feeling slightly unsettled at her silence. He studied her as she gazed out at the castle: her long hair was pulled back in a single plait, several stray hairs framing her face and blowing in the breeze. Her eyes were bright, and she was smiling as she gazed around the grounds. He was struck—as he often was—by how beautiful she was, and by how much he had once fancied her. Her constant rejections—some of them quite virulent—had finally convinced him to give up and move on, only as he watched her now, he felt that same longing once more. He had simply buried it, tired of getting no where, accepting that she would never see him as anything more than a reckless cad.

"You said a lot of things last night that made me think," Lily finally said, opening the conversation.

"I had quite a bit to drink," James pointed out. He remembered most of what he had said before he'd got sick, and knew perfectly well he had meant it all. He just wasn't sure he wanted her to know that.

"It wasn't the Firewhisky talking," she said. "It just loosened your tongue, I think."

He shrugged, unwilling to agree.

"Can I ask you something?" She turned toward him, pulling her knees up to her chest. She tucked the stray hairs behind her ears as she waited for him to answer.

"I think you've probably heard it all now," he replied, "but go ahead. I'm not sure I have anything to hide after last night."

"Did you mean what you said about wanting to leave Hogwarts?"

James sighed. He should have known she would ask him about that and been better prepared to answer. "Some of it," he finally said, leaning back on his arms. "I _am_ tired of a lot of this stuff, which is a good reason to move on. But I'm also worried about what's out there, which seems a good reason to stay. So it's confusing."

"You said you would fight, though," she reminded him. "So I think even if a part of you doesn't want to leave, you know you have to, and you know what to do, what's right."

"I suppose." James didn't have quite the confidence in his resolve that she did.

"It's really remarkable," she said, looking back out over the lawn at the castle again.

"What is?"

"Your courage."

James stared at her in surprise. "Not really, Lily," he said. "If I was really all that brave, I would have..." he trailed off, not wanting to continue.

"What?" she asked curiously. Like the previous night.

"Let's just say I might have done things differently," James answered. He was certainly not going to share _everything_ with her. "Made some different choices."

"Like what?" she pressed. Why was she so insistent?

"Evans, I don't really feel like hashing out all my regrets with you. Not now." He paused and gave her a questioning look. "Besides, why do you care?"

"You asked me the same thing last night," she murmured.

"What did you say?" he asked, although he vaguely remembered.

"I just wanted to help."

James tensed; she was the last person he wanted to feel pity for him. "I don't need help now."

"Now I'm just curious." She smiled; he frowned.

"Why?"

"You keep asking me that!" She laughed, but James was not amused.

"Maybe that's because you keep giving me a dodgy answer," he pointed out.

To his surprise, she did not react, only paused to consider her words a bit longer. "All of a sudden, you are an enigma to me."

"An enigma? Didn't you say that last night?"

"I did. Finding you in the kitchen with your face planted in a bottle of whisky—"

"Don't remind me," he grumbled.

"—made me realize that I don't know that much about you. Or rather, that the things I thought I knew aren't really true after all."

"About me?"

"About you, your friends, Hogwarts, life after Hogwarts," she replied. "For all your drunk rambling, you were quite articulate about things last night. You really made me think."

"And you are really quite confusing," James said, shaking his head.

"Why do you say that?" Now it was her turn to look slightly puzzled.

"I prattle on about how bleak the future looks, and you find it interesting?"

"No, not just the future—you."

"Me?"

"Yes, you."

"We've spent the entire year working together, Lily. I'm no different, trust me."

"Oh, but you are!" she exclaimed.

"If you say so," he replied, skeptical of her reasoning.

"Don't you want to know how?"

"You mean, do I want to know all the bad things you used to think about me but don't anymore?" James shook his head. This was more along the lines of what he had been expecting: the grand put-down, the endless list of his faults and failings. He'd heard it all before and did not feel like hearing it again. "Not really. I've got a pretty good idea already."

Lily looked down at her hands as if she were uncomfortable. "I'm sorry. That was really insensitive of me, wasn't it? I just meant…well, last night changed things."

James felt his breath catch. He was once more reminded of Lily helping him out of his wet clothes, of sitting there in his pants, of her brushing the hair from his face as she left. "Er, can I ask _you _something?"

"Of course."

"When you say last night changed things, did I…well, did we…I mean, we didn't…you know…" He hated stumbling over his words, but was mortified at the thought that something might have happened between them in his drunken stupor, and that even worse, he couldn't remember it.

"What?" She frowned, clearly baffled by his question, but suddenly her eyes went wide, and her hand flew up to her mouth. "Oh, you mean…did we…? Oh, no! Not like that!"

James blew out his breath in relief. "Thank Merlin," he murmured. "I'd hate to think I'd gone and done something to hurt you and couldn't remember it."

She touched his arm and smiled warmly. "I don't think you could hurt me, James." When she saw him eyeing her hand, she pulled it away with a slight cough.

James was now thoroughly confused. If they hadn't done…_that_…then what did she mean? He wasn't sure he wanted to know, and yet he needed to understand why she was acting so different toward him. His feelings for her were returning, growing stronger the longer they sat there, and he didn't want to let them back in if the half-formed ideas in his head were completely wrong. A part of him was still waiting for her to cut him down for his behavior the previous night.

"Okay, go ahead," he said reluctantly. "Tell me what changed your mind last night. I can take it."

She wrapped her arms around her knees again and stared at the castle. "I just never knew how much you cared about things. How hard you worked, how important your friends and family were, how much you worried about the future."

"Surprise, surprise," he murmured.

"I'm sorry," she said, sounding miserable. "I just always thought you were a bit more shallow than that. You've spent most of your time at Hogwarts flouncing around with Black, showing off and messing around in class, dropping pranks and hexing people."

"And yet I'm Head Boy, you know," James pointed out. Instead of feeling offended or upset, he was actually starting to feel slightly amused. Lily was clearly uncomfortable with both the realization that he was indeed a decent person, as well as the effort it was taking to confess it to him. Perhaps she wasn't going to criticize him for his behavior after all.

"I know," she said, shaking her head. "And I'm spent most of the year wondering why, even though you've done little to deserve such doubt. I just assumed…well, that Remus would be Head Boy."

James had assumed it, too. Everyone had, but it was fairly obvious to those that knew him that Remus's condition would hold him back from such a major responsibility. It probably wouldn't be the first time his friend was turned down for circumstances out of his control, and James had struggled with accepting the Head Badge, not wanting to betray one of his closest friends by taking a position that should have been his. "Dumbledore had his reasons," he said with a shrug.

He thought she was going to ask him about it, but she didn't. She just nodded and looked away. He was glad, since not being able to reveal anything would certainly complicate whatever was going on between them right then.

"You've done a great job this year, James," Lily said softly. "I'm sorry I've given you such a hard time."

"That's okay," he said, and he meant it. He bumped her shoulder, much as she had done to him earlier; somehow her continued discomfort made him feel better. He didn't like feeling uncertain about what was going on and felt more in control with their usual demeanor: she criticized him, he teased her. "Things wouldn't be the same if I didn't joke around a bit and you didn't give me a hard time. That's sort of our game, isn't it?"

"Game?" she asked, eyeing him curiously. "I guess so. Our game." She seemed to think about it. "I like it, our game," she offered.

"I do, too," he replied. A warm feeling spread through him. He had always wondered why she played the game, but had finally decided that she did indeed hate him; she played only because she had no choice but to push him away when he was constantly goading her. Now he wondered if she occasionally played as a way of actually expressing a bit of…something else for him. Or perhaps it was just his hope, that maybe she liked _him_ as well as the game.

"You asked me if we'd ever see each other after Hogwarts," Lily said, interrupting his thoughts. "I realized last night that I'd miss…our game if we didn't."

"I doubt it," James said, hiding his surprise. "I thought you had everything planned—the job, the wedding, everything."

"I did," she replied. "But you changed that last night. You made me think about what's really out there, especially for someone like me."

James leaned back again and sighed. "I'm sorry, Lily. I didn't mean to scare you."

"You didn't," she said, sounding surprised. "I didn't say I was scared. I've dealt with it before, after all. I just hadn't really thought about how the war might affect my plans for the future. I hadn't thought about fighting; I just assumed someone else would, and that things would turn out okay. Now I realize I can't just sit back and let someone else do that for me."

"You're thinking about fighting?" he asked. "You can't do that! It wouldn't be safe, you might get hurt, you might get ki—"

She put a finger to his lips, and a shiver went through him at her touch. He gazed into her eyes, so clear and determined, and saw something there he had not seen before: courage.

"You might, too," she said. "And then where would I be?"

She let her hand fall to his and squeezed it, leaving her fingers entwined with his. He glanced down at them and gave her questioning look.

"Are you sure we didn't…?" he asked, hoping his teasing tone came through more than his stuttering nerves.

"I'm sure!" she laughed again. "But I have to admit…it did cross my mind once or twice when we were up in your dormitory, and you were sitting there in your pants."

James couldn't believe the slightly suggestive way she looked at him and swallowed hard, wishing he could say something witty or sophisticated. His mind was blank, though, as he tried to process what was happening. Was she actually hinting at something? Something he had stopped thinking about ages ago?

His face must have shown his surprise and uncertainty, for Lily's eyes went wide, and she blushed, dropping his hand and looking away. "I'm sorry," she stammered. "I didn't mean to embarrass you."

James shook his head. "No, you didn't," he said. "It's just that if I had known getting completely pissed in the kitchens would have changed your mind about me, I would have retched all over you ages ago."

It was a ridiculous thing to say, and James was relieved when Lily laughed. He reached over and took her hand back, slightly nervous that she would reject him, in spite of everything she seemed to be saying. She smiled, though, and he relaxed, feeling his confidence beginning to return.

"So what exactly were you thinking about last night?" he asked playfully. "Besides fighting, of course."

She turned to gaze at him, her eyes studying him very steadily for so long he didn't think she would answer. "I was thinking about us," she finally replied. "Our game." She looked at him expectantly, but he didn't know what to say, so he stayed silent, not wanting to ruin the moment, and hoping she would continue without him. She didn't.

"Our game?" he finally asked, his heart pounding wildly.

She smiled at him. "Do you remember the last thing you said to me?"

He didn't, and he wondered if it was something he'd regret saying if he remembered. "I don't," he admitted. "I hope it wasn't stupid or offensive." Yet the smile on her face told him it was probably not.

"It wasn't," she said. "It was…nice."

"Are you going to tell me?"

"Maybe someday." She slid down off the rock, leaving him sitting alone and confused. "Come on, let's get some lunch. I'm hungry, and you could probably still use some more food."

"Wait!" he called. She stopped and turned back to him expectantly. "What's going on? You bring me out here, and I'm sure you're going to jinx me for last night, only you tell me I'm an enigma, but you won't tell me what I said that was so brilliant. I don't get it."

She shrugged her shoulders and gave him a small smile. "I don't get it either, Potter. I _should_ be running you up the wall for last night, especially as Head Girl. I'd certainly dock anyone else points for something like that."

"Then do it!" he exclaimed. "Yell, scream, swear, give me a detention, tell me how irresponsible I am. This…this…" he gestured at her wordlessly, unable to articulate his thoughts. "This is confusing. This is not the Lily Evans I know."

"And you're not the James Potter I thought I knew," she said. "So apparently I'm not the only one who had the wrong idea about the other. Maybe you need to rethink what you know about _me_." She turned and continued toward the castle, infuriatingly calm.

"Evans!" he shouted, hurrying after her and catching her by the hand. "I do know you. I feel like I've always known you." He gazed into her eyes, which were warily guarded as he continued. "You are incredibly smart, brilliant at Potions, and top of the class in Charms. You're kind and compassionate, except when it comes to me and Sirius pulling a prank, of course." She rolled her eyes, and he continued. "Then you are a bit strict, defensive, and somewhat judgmental, only you really do how to peg a person just right."

"Except you," she murmured.

He ignored her and continued. "You are fiercely loyal to your friends and your house, you're hardworking yet fun, outgoing and yet reserved at the same time. You are strong, stronger than you think, and you are beautiful." He stopped, out of breath, and the look on her face was one of stunned disbelief. "More beautiful than anyone I've ever met."

"How can you know so much about me, yet I know so little about you?" she whispered.

It hit him then: what he had said to her the night before, when she had brushed the hair from his face, and he had grabbed her hand as she left. He said it again, because it was true.

"It was you," he said softly. "Always you."

He waited, his heart beating faster than it did during a Quidditch match. He was saying it again because what did he have to lose? He had already said it, had said a hundred things he would not have never shared under normal circumstances, and he might as well take one more chance before school was over, and he never saw her again. She had told him he wasn't a coward and praised his courage—only she didn't know that _she_ was his biggest regret, _she_ was the one thing he wished had been different.

"I know," she said, and he remembered her saying the exact same thing before. "I've always known, and yet I've always treated you so badly, how could you possibly still feel that way about me?"

"I probably shouldn't," he said, dropping her hand and glancing away for some reason. He began to walk back to the castle, suddenly wanting to escape the desperately awkward conversation. He was sure it was moving toward yet another rejection. She followed him, though, and he continued with a sigh. "But I do, and a part of me always will. I never gave up on my feelings for you, Lily, but I have to admit that I had given up on the idea of you ever seeing me as someone you might want to be with."

"I wish it hadn't taken me so long to figure it out," she murmured.

"Figure out what?" he asked, not daring to think she meant what he thought, what he hoped. It couldn't be possible, after so many refusals.

"I wish it hadn't taken me so long to realize what a good man you are," she said, not looking at him, "and how much I actually like you."

"You like me," he repeated, glancing sideways at her. "Even after last night?"

She laughed and reached for his hand again. He thought she sounded nervous and was almost certain her hand was shaking slightly. "I do. Even after last night."

James took a deep breath and made one more leap of faith. "Enough to finally go out with me now that the year is almost over?"

"Yes!" she exclaimed, smiling broadly. Her face seemed to light up with joy. "Although, I thought you'd never ask again!"

"I thought I'd never have a chance," he said, grinning back. "Especially after all that stuff you said."

"I did tell you things would be different in the morning, Potter."

"You did?" he asked as they neared the castle. A few of the students scattered around the lawn had spotted them and were pointing their way. James ignored them and hoped Lily did as well, for he certainly didn't need the entire castle sitting in on their moment—whatever it might be.

"I did," she replied. "It was the last thing I said."

"You were right, then. Things are certainly different now." He felt giddy with the thought that Lily had not only said she liked him, but that she would go out with him. After so many years, it had only taken one long night of baring his soul.

"Everything will be different soon, and not between just us," she said. He heard the seriousness in her voice and knew she wasn't just talking about them. "But James?" she added playfully.

"Yes?"

"You've forgotten something."

James felt his pulse quicken as she stopped, pulled him closer, and softly pressed her lips to his. Her eyes were closed, and so he closed his own, enjoying instead the taste of her lips, the scent of her hair, the feel of her skin. Kissing her was like kissing no other girl: it was warm, exciting, tender, and new. Somehow it felt more right than any other kiss he'd had ever experienced, and he couldn't believe that she was the one who had initiated it, after he'd spent so many years trying.

She didn't kiss him for long, just long enough to tease him into wanting more. When she pulled away, he saw that her cheeks were slightly flushed with embarrassment. There were a few shouts from the castle as a group of sixth-years saw them and whistled. Lily ducked her head and looked away, though he saw she was smiling. He tilted her chin up toward him, brushing the hair from her face as he gazed into her eyes, marveling at how beautiful she was and how lucky he was to have just kissed her.

With a sudden shout, he picked her up and twirled her around, then set her down and crushed his lips to hers once more. She responded instantly, throwing her arms around his neck and ignoring the catcalls from the castle as more and more students noticed them on the lawn. How long they stood there, enveloped in each other, James didn't know and didn't care. He could only think of how much brighter the future looked with Lily by his side.

**Author's Notes: **Thank you once again to Natalie/hestiajones for looking this over and helping me with the ending! I must say, when I wrote the first part, I simply wanted to explore a deeper side of James. I wanted to explore his vulnerabilities at a time when so much was going on who wouldn't feel overwhelmed, especially at eighteen? I had no intention of writing a second part...until I realized that the story was unresolved in how Lily was affected by seeing this side of him. And so part two appeared, far more fluffy than anything I had planned when James took his first sip of Firewhisky. I do hope you enjoyed it. If not, I have several more James/Lily stories I hope to share. Thank you for reading and reviewing!


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